Divorce rates may be on the decline, but sleep divorces? Those appear to be on the rise.
The buzzy phrase refers to a couple’s decision to sleep in separate rooms, typically to prioritize a good night’s rest by getting some space from a partner who snores, has sleep apnea or restless legs, tosses and turns all night, or has some other disruptive nighttime habit.
Over a third of American couples opt to sleep apart, according to a 2024 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM), although results vary slightly by age, with almost half (43%) of millennials occasionally or consistently sleeping in another room.
Meanwhile, one-third (33%) of Gen Xers (born between 1965-1980), 28% of Gen Z (born 1997-2013) and 22% of baby boomers (born 1946-1964) choose solo slumber.
A recent Global Sleep Survey from health technology company ResMed, meanwhile, found that 50% of Americans opt to sleep apart from partners—with 65% reporting that it’s brought them better rest (but 30% saying they feel it’s worsened their relationship).
“There are two things you need to know about me. Number one, sleep is very important to me. And two, I love my husband. In that order,” said one of many TikTokers sharing personal stories of sleep divorce with their followers on the platform. So after 15 years of sleepless nights next to his “face symphony,” she said, she decided to spend nights apart from him—and it’s saved their marriage. “Who cares what other people think? Just get some rest.”
Parenting influencer Matt Howard recently revealed that he and his wife are temporarily sleeping separately (he opts for a guest mattress in a quiet closet) so he can prioritize his mental health. And celebrities including Carson Daly, Barbara Corcoran, Cameron Diaz and Victoria Beckham have all been open at one point or another about having separate sleeping arrangements from their spouses.
“Although the term ‘sleep divorce’ seems harsh, it really just means that people are prioritizing sleep and moving into a separate room at night when needed,” said Seema Khosla, pulmonologist and spokesperson for the AASM, in a news release about its survey.
Still, some people do not like the idea, pointing to a study that showed couples who sleep physically close were closer emotionally. And others are such fans they believe the practice should be rebranded with a new name, like “sleep alliance”—because “sleep divorce” is a term that “carries negative connotations” about what could be “a highly beneficial arrangement,” wrote sleep researcher Wendy Troxel.
Below, a relationships expert weighs in on the pros and cons of sleep divorces, and how to come to the arrangement without veering towards actual divorce, as well.
Is a sleep divorce a red flag for bigger issues?
Not necessarily, says Carolyn Sharp, couples therapist and author of Fire it Up: Four Secrets to Reigniting Intimacy and Joy in Your Relationship. In fact, it’s possible to maintain separate sleeping arrangements and still have a close connection—as well as a “vibrant sexual relationship,” she tells Fortune.
“In fact, sleep and sex should have little to nothing to do with each other,” she says, adding, “Separate sleeping rooms are only a problem when we don’t tend to the points of connection fed by sleeping together.”
Creating nighttime routines and “intentional connections” at bedtime are important whether couples are sleeping together or not, Sharp says. But when sleeping apart, she stresses, doing so “is critical.” Ways to do that can be tucking each other in, saying good night in a loving way, or cuddling before going your separate ways for sleep.
Routines or other conscious plans around sex are also vital. “Creating romantic time, like hanging out in bed—not sleeping—to create intentional time for sex to naturally and organically occur powerfully helps couples maintain the spark,” she says.
A time to be concerned about sleeping apart, the therapist cautions, is when the decision was made out of “emotional distance and anger.” That, she says, is “a risky choice, as it often becomes a habit that builds disconnection rather than processing through the upset.” Separation can be a needed break, she adds, but couples need to also make a plan to reconnect and work through the challenge.
Be sure to communicate clearly about any new sleep arrangement
In order to change up sleeping arrangements while still maintaining a healthy emotional connection, Sharp says, communication is key.
“Couples can instigate sleep divorce in a healthy way by talking together about their feelings, needs, and goals to create a plan to continue to be in connection and prioritize their relationship even when they don’t still sleep together,” she says. Also vital is creating “a safe space to talk through fears and worries about the possible negative impact of sleep divorce,” she advises, and working together “to create and follow a plan to prevent disconnection.”
More on relationships:
- Couples most likely to divorce share a common economic trait, research shows
- 5 things most Americans say are true about love and successful relationships
- The longest, healthiest marriages have these 6 defining traits
This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
